


Dark Thoughts

by xMalecTrashx



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Bad Parenting, Hurt Alec, M/M, One Shot, References to Depression, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-04 20:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15848778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xMalecTrashx/pseuds/xMalecTrashx
Summary: Since the night Alec almost threw himself off of Magnus' balcony, Magnus can't help but worry. After some prodding, he finally sees the full extent of damage Alec's upbringing has caused to his mental health.





	Dark Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Malec fanfic, so please feel free to leave comments. (It's also my first story posted to AO3!)  
> I tried to follow the timeline of the show as best as possible.  
> I am beta-less, so any mistakes are my own.

The image of Alec’s silhouette on the edge of the building was ingrained in Magnus’ mind. If he sat idly, he imagined the outline forming on the wall, the counter, the floor. He could see it every time he closed his eyes, could see in slow motion the split second his lover’s body had started its descent. Every time, the thought sent a wave of horror through every nerve in his body.

He needed a distraction. So, he went to work busying himself by cleaning his loft the mundane way.

Everyone had left by now, trying to sort out the whole gruesome business of living their darkest insecurities. Despite having not been directly affected, Magnus felt as though he had suffered the same way as the rest of them.

Before going, Alec had assured him he was fine, that it was just the magic. He had kissed him gently and thanked him for being there to save him. The way he had refused to look Magnus in the eye when he said it, though, left a heavy weight of doubt in his stomach.

After living for centuries, Magnus had seen his fair share of depression and insecurities that led people to committing an irreparable act. He had even prevented a few of those from being carried out in his long lifetime. And though he knew that Alec had dark thoughts that he hid well from everyone, he was beginning to suspect that perhaps he had grossly underestimated just how prominent of an issue it was.

Magnus picked up a misplaced glass from under the bar and tried to control his thoughts. There was enough cleaning to be done that he could easily spend the next several hours occupied. After half an hour, however, the tediousness of the task was beginning to grate on his nerves, and with a flick of his wrist the extra furniture and dirtied dishes disappeared as if they were never there.

Knowing full well that he would be unable to sleep, Magnus walked over to his bar and made himself a drink. It was a little stronger than he usually preferred, but it would do.

Silently, Magnus drank himself into the early hours of the morning, and only when the first light of the sun started peeking out from the surrounding buildings did the thoughts of a young vampire throwing himself from an apartment window disappear and turn into uneasy dreams where the tanned skin turned pale and the eyes turned painfully familiar.

 

Hours later Magnus woke with a start, Alec’s name a silent cry on his lips. Before he had the chance to gather his thoughts, the muffled click of the loft door opening alerted him to another person’s entry.

Whipping out of his chair, Magnus whirled toward the door. His arms were half raised with the blue sparkle of energy crackling at his fingertips when he recognized the dark-haired figure quietly closing the door behind him. Magnus relaxed his shoulders and dropped his hands, feeling the tension leave as his eyes landed on Alec, the adrenaline that had initially rushed through his body at the thought of an intruder draining.

“You okay?” Alec asked across the room, stopping where he stood. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I’m quite alright.” Magnus replied, straightening up and smoothing down the rumpled front of his shirt. “You just caught me taking a cat nap is all.”

Alec smiled crookedly and closed the distance between them to plant a greeting kiss on Magnus’ lips. He pulled back, but his hand lingered on the side of Magnus’ neck, a gentle touch that left a warmth in his core. “Cat nap? It’s ten in the morning. Did you fall asleep on the couch after we left?” Alec asked curiously.

“Yes, that seems to be what happened,” Magnus replied, unwilling to admit that he had gotten very little rest the previous night. He reached his hand up to meet Alec’s and gently removed it to clasp between the two of them. With a small squeeze, he took a step back and turned around to sit on the couch behind them, breaking the connection completely.

“What brings you here so early, Alexander?” Magnus asked, crossing one leg over the other and clasping his hands over his knee. Alec sat down in the chair opposite Magnus and rested his elbows on his knees so that he was leaning forward.

“I couldn’t be at the institute anymore,” Alec admitted. “After last night…well…my mom told us-“ Alec cut off looking down at his hands. Magnus waited patiently until Alec continued. He had come to recognize that sometimes when prodded, Alec would retreat to old ways of refusing to share what’s bothering him. Finally, with a deep breath, Alec finished the thought in a rush. “My mom told Jace and me that our dad had an affair.”

At first, Magnus was taken aback by the unexpected news. “Oh, Alexander,” he said softly after a moment. “I’m sorry you had to learn of that. I’m sure it is a lot to process.”

Alec nodded, silently lost in thought, and Magnus dropped his posture to lean forward and take Alec’s hands in his own. The man in front of him looked up gratefully and gave his hands a squeeze. “That, combined with what everyone went through last night,” Alec continued after a short silence, “made it unbearable to stay at the institute. Jace and my mom talked, Izzy’s been acting strange lately, and Clary keeps showing up wherever I am and watching me like I’m going to throw myself onto the nearest seraph blade.”

“Well, are you?” Magnus asked, before he could stop the question from coming out of his mouth.

Alec looked shocked and dropped their hands between them and sat back in his chair. “No, Magnus, of course not. Are you worried about this too?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Magnus weighed his next words carefully. He had already launched himself headfirst into this conversation without thinking, so he figured he might as well go through with it. Silently, he cursed his rashness. Out loud, he replied, “I think it’s a fair question to ask after last night’s…incident.”

“Magnus, I already told you. It was just the magic. I’m fine. Clary and I talked, I know it wasn’t her saying those things.”

“I’m not concerned about what you heard Clary saying,” Magnus replied, keeping his eyes as open and sympathetic as possible. Because he wasn’t a particularly open person, Magnus knew how hard it was for Alec to open up as well. “Every insecurity that was exposed has some root in the truth, Alexander.”

Alec huffed and stood up, walking some ways away from Magnus, leaving his back to him. “I left the institute to escape this sort of thing,” he said angrily, his arms crossed and posture stiff. “Can we not talk about this?”

Magnus was silent. Finally, he stood up and closed the space between him and Alec. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around the boy, resting his cheek on his muscled back. “You’re right,” Magnus conceded. “I apologize for the questioning. I just worry.”

The warlock felt Alec soften under his touch, and finally Alec turned around to face him, still surrounded by Magnus’ embrace. “Don’t worry about me,” Alec said firmly, but his eyes were soft. “We have more important things to worry about, like what Valentine wants with your spell book.”

Magnus nodded gravely in agreement, but the conversation still left him unsatisfied. Pushing down his uneasy feeling, Magnus smiled and placed a quick kiss on Alec’s lips. After that, they only talked of Valentine, and the topic on Magnus’ mind was not brought up again.

 

The massacre at the institute had occurred only a couple days previous, but the shock wave was still being felt. Several downworlders had lost their lives trying to fight Valentine, and Magnus had known many of them. With all the work that still needed to be done between cleaning up and dealing with Valentine, Magnus hadn’t seen Alec since they reunited on the Institute steps.

_I love you_ , Alec had said, and the words still echoed through Magnus’ head, making his heart soar. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized that his own feelings were just as strong.

In the days that had passed, Magnus busied himself with visits to Catarina to check on Madzie. Though she missed her Nana, the powerful little warlock was slowly warming up to the two of them, and even asked about Alec once. Magnus missed his Shadowhunter, but he knew that especially now there was a lot keeping him busy at the Institute. It was a job after all. A couple times a day, Magnus sent him a message to update him on trivial things, such as the cutout cookies Catarina had helped Madzie make or how Chairman Meow had delivered him a dead bird. At the end of the second day, Magnus sent a simple _I love you_ text, hoping that the message of how he missed Alec would be conveyed. Within moments, his phone lit up and Magnus smiled at the _I love you too_ message displayed. It was the only reply he had received, but for the moment it was enough.

The next morning, Magnus was lounging on the couch trying to process the words of the book lying open on his lap when his wards detected a familiar presence. His heart leapt into his throat with the same speed that he leapt out of his chair. Within moments, his absent Shadowhunter was closing the door of the loft behind him.

Magnus instantly saw the hunch in the other man’s shoulders that betrayed his exhaustion. The shadows under his eyes bespoke of the limited amount of sleep he must have received, but his eyes still lit up when they landed on the warlock.

“Alexander,” Magnus breathed, and the two met on the threshold, holding each other in a tender embrace. Alec kissed him on the top of his head, and Magnus pulled back to get a better look at the Shadowhunter. “You look exhausted,” he stated bluntly.

Alec’s smile faded a little. “I’ve had my hands full trying to satisfy the Inquisitor’s every need.”

Magnus nodded. “I heard of her presence in the city. It was to be expected with the capture of Valentine, I suppose.” He grabbed one of Alec’s elbows and gently guided him to the couch to sit. “But before we talk business, do you need breakfast yet? I can conjure up a mean Belgium waffle.”

Alec shook his head but smiled at the offer. “I grabbed something quick before I left.”

“Was that something just a cup of coffee?”

Alec looked away for a second as if considering lying. “It’s better than nothing,” he admitted eventually. Magnus sighed and lowered himself on the couch next to him, producing an apple as he sat.

“You have to take care of yourself, Alexander. You have been working yourself into the ground trying to stop Valentine, and now you have him. Try taking a second to breathe,” Magnus murmured.

“It’s not over, Magnus,” Alec sighed, accepting the apple. He considered it for a second with an indifferent look before setting it on the coffee table. His elbows came to rest on his knees, and he released another soft, tired sigh. Magnus tried not to get distracted by the way the muscles moved as his back curved. If he could just run his hand over it, he could ease some of the tension…

Alec’s voice snapped him back to attention. “Valentine isn’t revealing where the Mortal Cup is, despite the Inquisitor’s... aggressive interrogations.”

_He means torture_ , Magnus realized, and was surprised to find he felt no sympathy for the man. “Valentine always had a very strong will. The Clave was able to retrieve the Soul Sword, though, right?” Magnus asked. He had heard this from Catarina who had heard it from whisperings among the shadow world.

“Yes, they sent a group out to look for it after Jace returned with Valentine, and they were able to retrieve it.”

“Then that is good news and deserves a drink,” Magnus declared. “Mimosa?” He asked, procuring a pitcher of orange juice from thin air.

The corner of Alec’s mouth twitched, but he shook his head no. “I’m sorry Magnus, but I can’t celebrate quite yet. The pressure of having the Inquisitor at the Institute and having my parents breathing down my neck is too much. If they even knew I was here instead of working on leads to find the Cup I wouldn’t hear the end of it. I just… I needed a break. I needed to see you,” he admitted, his eyes meeting Magnus’ with raw honesty.

Magnus’ insides softened, and he reached out a hand to cup Alec’s cheek. “I’m glad you came. I wanted to see you too,” he admitted. “I know this is your job, your one true calling, but Alexander… the pressure your parents put on you to succeed will eventually break you if you don’t take the time to care for yourself.”

“Isn’t that why I’m here?” Alec asked with a tired smile, turning his face to kiss the inside of Magnus’ palm. His smile disappeared again as he met Magnus’ worried eyes. “My parent’s and the Inquisitor only expect what should be expected of me. I should never have even allowed Valentine and his men to get into the Institute- “

“Alexander!” Magnus protested in shock. “You can’t shoulder the blame for every ill-fortuned event that occurs to your Shadowhunters. Believe it or not, but you can’t stop every bad thing from happening.”

“I was there Magnus,” Alec said, pulling away and propping his head up in his hands. “I was there when Valentine just walked through the front doors. I could have stopped him- “

“How?” Magnus demanded, interrupting him once more. “By killing Madzie? What has happened is over now, and you must stop shouldering the blame for it. It will consume you. I know your parents drilled “responsibility” and “honor” into you from a young age, but Alexander… you are just one man. And how they have taught you to internalize all that negative energy is… well it’s just unhealthy.” Magnus could see the tension in Alec’s posture increasing as he spoke, but he couldn’t stop himself from once again putting words to the fear that had stuck with him for a week.

  
“It’s no wonder you found yourself on the edge of the building.”

Alec’s head snapped up to look at Magnus in disbelief. His eyes were angry, and his mouth a hard line. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Magnus sighed, considering reaching out to touch Alec’s shoulder, but deciding better. “It means I am worried about your mental state. I see the way everyone leans on you like a crutch. Izzy, Jace, and even Clary are constantly there, demanding everything from you; I see the way it crushes you every time you let one of them down. And that’s nothing compared to what Maryse and Robert ask of you, and the way they talk to you as if your best is worthless. They don’t see how you put everything into making everyone else happy, and then they belittle you and tell you that you aren’t good enough, aren’t trying hard enough. It’s sickening,” Magnus ground out, realizing his voice had risen with anger.

Surprised that Alec had let him go on this long without interruption, Magnus refused to make eye contact before saying the next part. Instead he stared intently at the wall across the room.

“And I know that… dating me- being gay- that is a part of you that you have always internalized and tortured yourself over, knowing your family would be ashamed and disapprove. I know that revealing who you really were to them came at a great personal expense. But what I think I didn’t realized until several nights ago, when I saw you on that _ledge_ ,” Magnus choked on the word, “was just how dark of a place your mind has been. And I want to help. I want to give you all of my light so that you may start to see the world, and yourself, as not such a dark place. But, Alexander…” A tone of pleading entered Magnus’ voice. “I can’t help you if I don’t know you need it.”

Silence filled the room like a hot air balloon, the pressure expanding and filling Magnus’ mind. He held his breath and didn’t dare look towards his boyfriend’s stiff form beside him on the couch. He wondered if perhaps he had pushed too far. He was sure Alec would be angry, but the worry for him in a long-term sense would not leave his thoughts for the past week.

“You’re right,” Alec finally breathed softly, cutting through the silence that had enveloped them. Magnus looked towards him, shocked, and saw that Alec’s posture had softened. Alec turned his head towards him, the pain in his eyes clear.

“I wasn’t okay for a very long time,” he continued quietly. Magnus didn’t make a single movement, waiting for the sad boy in front of him to keep talking. “All of the pressure and expectations that I couldn’t live up to put me in a bad place. And then I realized why I had always felt different from other boys, and…well…I hated myself for it.”

The last part was spoken as a whisper, and it broke Magnus’ heart to hear the tone in Alec’s voice.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus murmured, his voice bleeding sadness and sympathy. Reaching out, Magnus untangled the other boy’s tightly clasped hands gently, keeping one firmly in his own. Using his free hand, Magnus coaxed Alec’s face towards him and let his hand cup the other boy’s cheek. Now able to look into his eyes, Magnus could see all the mixed, raw emotions consuming the one he loved, and it made his whole being ache.

“Show me.”

Alec’s expression showed a hint of confusion. Magnus released the hand he was holding and brought it up to cushion Alec’s face between both of his hands. “Show me what it was like. When you were at your worst. Share the pain with me so that it might begin to heal.” His tone was urgent and pleading. He willed Alec to give in.

“Magnus…I don’t know if I want you to see me like that,” Alec whispered, his voice cracking.

“Please. I love you Alexander. I want to do this for you.”

Several emotions crossed Alec’s face, and for a brief moment Magnus thought he would push him away. But then he gave an almost imperceptible nod and slowly closed his eyes. Immediately, Magnus could feel the man’s mind opening up to him, and his breath was taken away by the amount of trust Alec was showing him.

As he closed his own eyes, images started flitting behind his lids.

 

_He was standing in the office at the Institute, Maryse and Robert behind the desk in front of him. They were upset. Jace had gotten hurt on a routine patrol._

_Oh god_. Jace. _It was his fault, he knew it. He should have been watching his parabatai’s back, how could he be so careless?_

_Words echoed around the room and everything got blurry and started to shift._

He was a disappointment.

_Just Maryse stood in front of him now, waiting at the Institute door as Alec entered. Where had he been? Didn’t he understand his sacred duty trumped all else?_

Try harder.

_Jace stood in front of him, their hands clasped. He released them suddenly with frustration. “Maybe your mom was right, and your best just isn’t good enough.”_

Never good enough.

_Suddenly Alec was alone. He was in a bathroom, the shower running behind him. The mirror was fogged up, but he reached forward and wiped it away with the side of his hand and left a small patch where he could see his face._

_The words echoed around the room, telling him how worthless he was, egging him on. A dagger glittered dangerously beside the sink. He braced his hands on the counter and looked up, staring at his own reflection._

_Disgust filled his gut. Despite the incessant voices filling his head, one thought stood out above the rest, and it was his own._

I don’t want to be you anymore.

_He gave the knife another long look, then turned away from the mirror._

 

Tears threatened to escape the corners of his eyes when Magnus came back to his own body. He opened them to see Alec’s own eyes scrunched up in anguish, and he longed to kiss each one if only it meant taking away that pain.

“Alexander,” Magnus said as softly as possible. It wasn’t a question or a demand, just an exhale of the sadness that threatened to overflow.

Alec finally opened his eyes. They were dark and hard, unreadable, and he immediately pulled away and stared straight ahead.

“I understand if you think differently of me,” Alec said thickly, and Magnus realized he was fighting back tears of his own.

Grief shot through him for the broken, beautiful boy sitting beside him. Suddenly, he was on his knees in front of Alec, clasping both of his hands tightly in his own.

“I would never think of you differently for seeing your scars,” he said, his voice fierce. “Your entire life has been spent living for the happiness of those around you, never for your own. It is a small wonder you still have happiness to spare. I would give you all of my own if it meant taking away the words that dealt you damage your entire life.” Magnus took a quick breath. “Alexander, I love you with a fierceness I have never experienced in my long existence. You will always be good enough for me, just as you are.”

Alec took a deep, shuddering breath and looked at Magnus in wonder. He was clearly at a loss for words, and instead he leaned down to touch his forehead to Magnus’. At the same time, his hands came up to hold the warlock in place at the back of his head, one of his thumbs rubbing a gentle path along his cheek.

“Thank you,” he breathed. Magnus blinked in acknowledgement, but Alec shook his head. “Not just for this,” he clarified. “I was…I’ve been a lot better. Since, well…since we’ve been together. It helped that I was finally able to accept who I am, and I couldn’t have done that without you. So, thank you.”

In reply, Magnus closed the couple of inches between their heads to place a soft kiss on Alec’s lips, tasting the salt of tears. He pulled back for a brief moment and stared deeply into Alec’s eyes. Then suddenly their lips were once more connected, this time more desperately. The need to be near was overpowering, and Magnus felt Alec pulling him up off of his place on the floor and into his lap. Magnus allowed it, and soon he was in Alec's lap. Hands ran up his back, holding him in place with a strength that Magnus now fully understood.

The realization that Alec had nearly never made it into his life was devastating, and he poured his entire being into the kiss. He showed Alec exactly how he felt without using words. Words, those invisible weapons, were what had forced Alec onto both a metaphorical and physical ledge.

After what felt like several years, they finally pulled apart, breathing deeply. Alec’s face was cradled between Magnus’ hands like a jewel, but his worth was so much more valuable than one. “I should go,” Alec said slowly, his voice tinged with sadness.

“Don’t,” Magnus whispered. “Stay. Just a little while longer.”

Alec’s eyes flickered across the warlock’s expression, seeing nothing but an open tenderness. Even more, his eyes oozed acceptance, and Alec was blown away with the knowledge that it was for him.

Magnus watched as Alec nodded slowly, and this time the kiss they shared was sweet and slow. Afterwards, Magnus used his position to pull the Shadowhunter down so that they lay lengthwise along the couch. Alec’s weight above him was familiar and _right_. The urgency that had overcome them earlier was gone and left in its wake was a softness they both felt.

Magnus’ fingers combed lazily through Alec’s hair, and the boy hummed contentedly from where his head rested on the warlock’s chest.

They spent the rest of the morning like this. When Alec finally left, it was with reluctance, but Magnus could see the slight change in the way the other man held himself. In a way, he was starting again. After all, the world is an entirely different thing to behold when you learn to let the light in.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this story came from the song idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish.


End file.
